All in Good Time

So it's been a week since J left. I'm still alive and pretty much surviving.

I went back to school. In 2 months, I'm expected to finish grad school. Come June 2010, I'm to march on the stage and get my Master's Degree. In between, I suppose I can get a job, a 9-to-6 kind. Or, I can make a career out of freelancing, since there won't be school anymore to share the time with.

Since J got back to Spain, we've been constantly communicating through YM, with our webcams activated. We also text sometimes and we vandalize each other's Facebook Walls. I found out it's not that bad. If there's one thing that I'd be thankful for about the Internet, it'd be the fact that it sure does wonders to keep a long-distance relationship possible.

From Day [or Night] 1 of our YM date, J and I have been talking about our plans. Our plans include not only each other, but also each other's family (well, my family for the most part). Talking about these plans keep me alive. At one point of each day, I am more than ready to break down and hide in my loneliness. But when I start talking to J, I realize that our current set-up actually has a purpose.

I've always wanted to go to Spain. I want to study there, go on a tour, and maybe work for a time. But the idea scares me. I don't know anyone there, all my relatives are in the States. So I've been thinking whether to give up on the whole prospect.

Then, there's my situation in grad school. I pretty much extended for a year already and I feel bad that I let another graduation pass me by. Although I keep defending myself that I juggle school and work, deep down I know I could've gone through it anyway and finished on time (or maybe just a little late). Still, maybe there's this sense of fear that I still don't know where to go after I get out of school. I know, my possibilities and pathways are numerous but that's just the thing. Am I supposed to pick a curtain randomly?

Meeting J is not only the most cosmic thing that happened to me but is actually the answer to my life questions (maybe that's why it was so cosmic). More than having the courage to actually go to Spain (eventually), I'm now more inspired to finish school, more driven to get my degree and... (above all) more willing to stay faithful more so than ever.

I now realize that everything does have a purpose. I had many relationships and I thought I'd never settle down. I had my qualms about going abroad and deciding what I really want to do. I had times of losing hope and just plain giving up my degree. But then, I was given this one person who changed it all.

And it doesn't even matter that he lives on the other side of the world.

Sometimes, I do get lonely. It's really painful, whenever I have this urge to hug him but I can't. But I suppose, sacrifices are there for us to appreciate and aim for the best things in life -- things that would complete your lifetime and not just for the meantime. I now realize that the most difficult sacrifice is what leads you to the right direction and gives you the right determination.

As Jon Bon Jovi once said, "Keep the faith."

And so here I am...

... facing the worst morning-after of my life. I woke up to a bigger bed. I woke up to deafening silence. I woke up to... loneliness.

It wasn't easy to watch him leave, but it was something I had to bear. I didn't cry a single tear as I waved him goodbye. But the moment he disappeared from my sight, a tear rolled down my cheek. And the next thing I knew, I asked my brother for a cigarette. A Red Marlboro.

I dreaded the ride home. I dreaded going home, because I knew that the moment I step inside the house, it would all come back to me.

J is not here anymore.

Before boarding the plane, J called me up. He told me I should stop crying and go to sleep. But I said I can't, and I cried even harder. He hanged up.

After which he sent me a text message saying, he wanted to cry himself, it was just that there're too many people in the airport. Then, he called again. It was time for him to board. He sent me one last message saying, "I'm inside the plane now, let's go to sleep."

So, I slept. I woke up at around... 8 in the evening. Iwas hoping to wake up on July 4 but it dawned on me that time sure is f*cking slow when you're hurting, as time is f*cking fast when you're having fun and happy. The irony.

So now, waking up on the 4th of July sure is the mother of all bad morning-afters. I woke up to find myself alone in my bed. Alone in the house.

Without J.

It was weird how all things remind me of him. And while I was making coffee, I swear I heard his mobile phone sound off somewhere inside the house. It's that bad.

And today, it started to rain. While I often told J that I am happy when it rains, this time, I wish the sky could've picked a less lonely day to cry. Or maybe it just decided to weep with me.

Diary Entry 5

The 4th of July would be THE worst morning-after.

When audible words just won't turn up...

... I can always write you Notes. Anywhere and everywhere.